I attended a week-long writing workshop in November 2014 at the Esalen Institute, Big Sur, California. Esalen is one of my favorite places.
I learned a great deal from my memoir instructor this week. I more fully understand that what we learn from writers is not only the writing craft but more importantly what we feel, see and value in life. At two different weeklong writing retreats at Esalen I worked with women who are journalists by trade. It was intimidating for me to learn from them since my writing abilities, especially grammar have been slow to develop. But with the help of blogging for even a few months I realized that grammar while important is not something that should stop me from writing or being published. Basic grammar is a skill you can gradually improve and when needed you can and actually must pay someone to edit your story.
What I learned the most was the contrast in life between two very similar instructors. The women had one startling difference. That difference is what I am trying to write about in my memoir. One instructor, due to a physical setback after her career began reevaluated her life. In the process she was able to learn more about herself, her spirituality and opened to find love and belonging. While the last instructor too was able to find love she is still looking for belonging. Maybe they both are, or we all are, but clearly the last instructor is still reaching out to others without understanding she is doing so.
When I told the instructor I was writing about belonging she wasn’t emotionally aware enough to acknowledge it was something worth writing about. Instead when we met to discuss my story theme she focused on my coming out story. I now realize that I MUST write my book for her and those like her, who need to continue their own journey of awareness and feelings of belonging. It wasn’t until I left the retreat that I understood how much her reaction to the week reflected my own deep need to belong – as a writer, woman, lesbian and mother. Her lack of support for my story was actually more motivating. Now I see for myself, how important my story is for not only me to write, but also others to read.
The instructor felt the joy of working with “amateur” writers who shared our vulnerabilities if not in our writing then while reading our stories. She understood the gift she had been given by those shared stories; similar to the gift she gave us in her memoir. She wanted to hang on to those emotions, as did most everyone in the class. While I understand the exact group dynamic cannot be duplicated, she has hopes of trying. I did enjoy everyone in the group and will look forward to coming together with them again. Some of them touched my heart deeply.
I have always been intuitive but never understood quite how much until this week. The instructor was passionate about Kafka, piano playing, the writing craft, but like me she longs for love and acceptance by her mother and other groups where she feels loved for being herself. Death and life circumstances prevent that happening readily. Yet, she is resistant to read books that speak to her vulnerability directly. The process of doing her memoir required more insight and vulnerability than she willingly embraced. She only did so because she had a writing contract that required her to do so and she accepted the challenge. While she took on that struggle and completed the book the resulting trauma and self-incrimination has not ended for her.
I need to write about my struggle with belonging. I understand that my family and friends have always supported if not accepted me, from a distance if not directly. But it is imperative that I write how I felt through each stage of my life. The struggles I encountered and reactions to them I hope will speak to others in their struggles. I wish that we all gave and received unconditional love and acceptance all our life. Until however, we learn to teach our children something few of us were raised with, and therefore must learn to love ourselves unconditionally as well as our children, friends and family the struggle will continue.
I am grateful for all I learned at the writing retreat but especially how much I must write my memoir for both me as well as others. I hope I will be able to improve my skills fast enough to propel me towards my initial goal before too much frustration sidetracks my goal. It is inspiring to see the ease professional journalists bring to the craft of writing (if not the actual writing) and I hope one day I too will be able to do so as a professional writer. I hope too that someday the last instructor will be as passionate about the writing of Brené Brown as she is of Kafka.